Marriage: What Is It?
Thinking about tying the knot? Having second thoughts? Can't decide if you just want to live together or take the big leap?
Not too long ago, it was frowned upon for a couple to live together before marriage. This pressured many couples into marriages that were often broken and ended in divorce. Due to an alarmingly high rate of divorces in recent years, couples have momentarily chosen to become cohabitants to sort of, "test the waters". The old and wise have said that the benefits of marrying first, far outweighs the benefits of living together. However, many couples today, both married and cohabitants, agree that marriage is far more complicated than living together. Why is this?
In our research, we spoke with a few married couples who lived together prior to tying the knot. The following story struck us as both, odd and logical. The names have been changed to protect the couple's privacy and identity.
Towanda & Mike
They lived together for five years before they got married. Now today, two years after marriage, they reflect back on their lives as an unmarried couple. To my surprise, they both agreed they were better together as an unmarried couple. Towanda said she felt more “free” when they lived together and Mike said he felt less stressed. They both agreed that they were faithfully committed when they dated. It was obvious that although they were committed to each other, they felt that more demands were expected of them after the marriage. According to the couple, marriage seemed to have placed more commitments upon them.
“But how could this be when you two were already in a committed relationship?” I inquired. Mike explained that he felt more obligated after being married than while dating. He said when dating, the things he did in the relationship was by his choice. Now that they're married, his commitment feels controlled and forced. To my surprise, Towanda felt the exact same way.
“So then why did you get married knowing that the expectations of commitment remained the same, if not more?” I asked.
They both informed me that they both considered themselves Christians, therefore, they wanted to live right in the eyes of God. But the bottom line here was that they really didn’t know the meaning of marriage, which seems to be the case with many couples these days.
Many couples do not truly know what a marriage is. They do not go to pre-marital counseling to set a foundation. Most simply think that just because they love each other, that their marriage can sustain the hardships. But once the hardships hit, they're ready to leave. Marriage takes hard work from both spouses. Due to the lack of knowledge of comprehending what a marriage really consists of, couples inadvertently set their marriages up for failure. If you ask 100 people “What is marriage,” you're bound to get 100 different answers because marriage has a different meaning to everyone. Making sure you and your partner agree on the meaning of marriage is probably the first and most important step to make.
The ideal definition of ‘marriage’ is a union between spouses that establishes rights and obligations between them. In a Christian union, a marriage is built upon a foundation of God. Obviously, Towanda and Mike’s intentions were in the right place, but they failed to learn about the real meaning of marriage.
Marriage involves a call from God and two people responding to that calling. The two people promise to build a lifelong, sacred partnership of love with one another, despite forthcoming hardships. Marriage is never about control or coercion, yet it is more than just saying “I do” at the alter.
So, before you decide to get hitched, jump the broom and cut the cake, it might be a good idea to fully understand the true meaning of the vows you're about to make. Loving someone is never easy and a perfect marriage is simply two imperfect people never giving up on each other.
